Resoulutions

Some will accuse me of being too sensitive. That is if anyone who I'm writing about bother to read this. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself. I'm tired, frustrated, lonely, all of the above.

I've been told that I don't know how to shield my empathic-ness. Or how I pick up on emotions and or the lack of. But here goes. And damn the consequences.. there comes a time when you just have to say enough.

I've resolved not to go to people's blogs and message boards.. friends of mine.. who don't come to my boards and blogs.

I have a blog on another site..Xanga. I signed up because several people I know have blogs there, but they don't go to mine, with the exception of Boo. And I see her all the time at our project message board.

Nightmare used to go but not any more, Indi used to come here, but not any more. (edit! she did!)

I opened up a cooking board, for friends to keep recipies etc, no one goes, even after my reminding them and them even saying they will go. I guess this is the one that most disappoints me. I love cooking and sharing recipies. I love talking about food and eating food.


Scarlett used to go but not any more.

So I'm done.
I spend an hour at least everymorning at message boards and blogs reading and responding. I realize that other people may not have that much time, but occasionally Is not too much to ask.

So I'm done. I quit. If they really liked me, they'd go. I've spent my life begging for friends. Being the one that is left out, the one that has to ask. I'm not one of those golden people who people flock to.

Boo has faith in me. Kevin does, my parents... maybe ...my children... maybe, but for some reason I am just ..."one of those unfortunates".

I'm tired. I'm 53... time to say fuck it.

I am me and I don't have to have friends. Screw them. I may never have my ship. *shrug*

Looser ness... case in point .. while I am writing this.. I left the water running the yard too long and let my tea boil over all over the floor, counter etc. That shit happens to me all the time. I know I am probably being too hard on my self.. wallowing in self pity. But you know-- If I don't.. who will?

Pudding Man.. I still go to yours, and I went to some sites you subscribe to. So maybe I make new friends.

I want my Kevin. My friend Stephanie who passed away in 02, used to call Kevin ..."my Kevan". she didn't spell his name right at first, so she just always called him that.
Her Kevan. She was such a sad woman, girl.
We met in the 10th grade. She was Dutch Indonesian and French. Born in the US, Bastard father was in the Air Force. He ruled over her with an Iron Thumb. After college she moved to Holland for a while, fell in love and he sent her mother to bring her home. He was probably the love of her life. (The guy in Holland) She moved to Houston. Fell in love, got pregnant, and the bastard,(not her father.. the father) Kicked her in the stomach. She moved back to Mississippi and told him the baby died in childbirth. She is now in her late twenties.
Married a High school crush.(Steph, not the daughter) and had two boys with him. But he was a bastard too. Treated her like dirt, didn't want kids. Cheated on her and accused her of cheating on him. Even went so far as to feel her between the legs once when he came in late to see if she had had sex with someone else.
Pathetic.
She got lung cancer and was told she would die. Didn't had surgery and chemo and radiation.
Finally had enough of Randy and divorced him. But he never left her alone.

She had mulitple strokes at the age of 49 and died.

She is happy now with her mother and brother who had both passed away.
The bastard father is alone.


I don't know why I told that story- but that she always claimed Kevin as her own.

I didn't mind.

ON a brighter side!
I ordered a sample pack of colored porcelain (never could spell that). 1/2 pound of 14 different colors. So I'll see how it works.
A friend of my mom's wants me to go help her set up a ceramic studio. She has all the stuff but doesn't really know what it is.

Why???? is my house full of flies???

Amityville???